It’s been a while since I have written. There isn’t any
particular reason for it I just haven’t felt compelled to write in this thing.
I feel like it has become more of a chore if anything. I have figured out that
I don’t like to write for other people, I like to write because I like to
write, which makes for a terrible blogger. It’s not that I don’t appreciate
people who follow my blog, thank you very much for reading what I write, I feel
honored that you find my writing interesting enough to keep reading it. I just
like writing for the sake of writing. It’s how I best express myself and how I
figure out my emotions.
At this moment I feel like my emotions are on steroids. I am
sitting in the Santiago airport waiting for a 6:30 am flight to Sao Paulo
Brazil. The time reads 12:40am. I have been here for about three hours and have
been ready to shoot myself in the face for two of them. It’s like time is
standing still and the only thing that I have to do with myself is think. I am
depressed. My first semester in Chile is officially over marked by the
departure of all of my closest friends. Channeling my inner Eve 6 fan, my heart’s
in a blender and I’m watching it spin around in a beautiful oblivion.
Everything is so mixed up. I feel like I’m going through a bitter sweet
breaking of the heart. I’m so content and happy with where my life is and where
it will go in the immediate future but I am so sad that I have to see all of my
friends leave, but also gratefully happy to have ever met them in the first
place. I hate feeling this fragile and vulnerable. It terrifies me that I have
opened myself up to so many people and that their departure has turned me into
a complete emotional train wreck. It has been a while since I have been able to
feel so comfortable and open with so many people, allowing them to seep in and
settle into the cracks of my mending heart. It scares me quite a bit, but it
feels good to know that I reached out to so many people who in turn have
permanently changed my life. Their absence hurts me so much that I have gotten
physically sick. My chest hurts from constant sobbing accompanied by the
constant urge to vomit. I’m exhausted.
I am mad at myself for booking this stupid flight. Who the
hell ever thought that a 6:30 am flight would ever be convenient for anyone? I
would have given anything to have had one last night with everyone. But I
suppose that is life.
The only time that I have ever felt like this was on my way
back from my exchange year in Brazil. I think that leaving the place where you
went is a million times harder than leaving wherever you are from. Its hardest
because you have no idea if you will ever be back, and if you do go back, it
will never be the same as when you left. I remember it took me about two and a
half days to complete a journey that was only supposed to take about 12 hours
thanks to hurricanes along the Atlantic coast. I felt so helpless. My head was
in a fog. I was in the U.S. but I felt like a foreigner. I hadn’t seen my
family in over a year, I had just completed a journey that tore me to pieces
and left me to put them back together again. I just wanted to be home. I
remember finding a corner in the terminal that I was stuck in to collapse in
and cry. It kind of makes me think of how dogs disappear in search of a place
to die. Only not so dramatic.
So, unfortunately for me, I coincidentally am stuck in an
airport again with noting but ridiculous amounts of time to think about how I
feel. I fucking hate airports. I hate them so much but am too cheap to shell
out for a direct flight anywhere. Fuck my life. All I can think about is how
alone I am and all of the people that have left. I keep crying at random
moments. People must think I’m crazy. Or pathetic. Probably a little of both.
My computer battery is dying. So is my energy. Time to sleep
on top of my stuff so no one steals it.
Just got a phone call from my friends. You guys made my
night. I’ll be home in a week, I can’t wait to see you kooks again.
